Growing up I knew, although I could not articulate it, that the grown-ups in my world were bullies. I hated the abuse, but I also just despised the absolute disregard of me as a human with feelings and needs. Green peas from a can made me puke as a child—the smell would gag me and this was seen as disrespectful. My body repelled and grown-up bullies denied my physical reactions and forced their expectations on how I was to behave regarding food that made me physically ill.
There is a big (physically and figuratively) bully in my life. There are lots of bullies in my life regarding the system I am caught up in, but that is institutional bullying and I am validated every time I encounter bureaucratic bullying—it’s not just me they are oppressing.
However, this individual bully is wreaking havoc on my physical and emotional well-being. What is worse is that the people that validate me in other ways are behaving like the adults used to when I was a child gagging at the reeking smell and taste of green peas. These adults stand around and tell the grown-up me that I need to “Be the bigger person.” Or, “Just ignore it.” I go silent. I choke down bile and disappear. The bully just gets bigger and bigger. The bully attacks more and I am forced to swallow and be silent.
When I break and fight back I am told, “This is not professional.” I am chastised with, “You play a part in this too. I am trying to deescalate this and your response is not helping.” I disappear. I float away and no one realizes I am gone. This is how I silence the voices dictating to me about how I Should Be Reacting to abuse of my psyche and the out right ignoring of my fear and shame. I disassociate—bad coping skill.
And then I smell green peas and I am back in my body running to the toilet to gag and puke up the bile I have been swallowing for months.“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good [people] do nothing.” (Edmund Burke)
Stop telling me how I should react to abuse. Stop. Just. Stop. Do not say what I should say or how I should react. Deal with the Adult Bullies in this world. Otherwise you become a tool of the bully and thus a bully. And for the sake of all that is good do not ever tell me to Calm Down when I am reacting to being abused and in the process of Recovery from Trauma.
This is healing. This is my truth. My story. There is a song, but it cannot be sung until we act and do things accordingly. Trauma Lens please.
Really Who Speaks for Me?